Dian's Afterbirth Story

Bern said that while I was in the OT, he waited outside until the nurse came out and asked him to confirm on the baby's gender. She told him that the baby will be transferred in NICU, and asked him to check on the baby in about 1 and a half hour like that.

Still, no clue why. Baby in NICU, wife still in OT. Can't imagine how he felt at that time. Tak sampai 1 hour pun Bern dah pergi NICU, to check on the baby. Apparently masa Dian keluar, her shoulder tak gerak, and doctor takut it might be fractured or something. But alhamdulillah, nothing major.

Bila dah transferred to the ward, I asked the nurse if I can see my baby. Then baru dapat tahu baby is in NICU. Nangis please. Tanya nurse macam mana nak tengok baby? Nurse cakap "Awak boleh jalan? NICU kat hujung sana." The hellz. I just had my tummy open few hours ago and you asked me whether I can walk? Kau biar betul.

I was alone with no phone, and no idea how to tell my husband that I am safe and already in the ward. Last-last pinjam phone kakak sebelah, tapi voicemail pulak. Nak nangis lagi time tu. I wanna see my husband. I wanna see my baby. And then tiba-tiba datang this one doctor, tanya "Kazrina? Wife Hazwan?" Rupa-rupanya wife Luqman who were an attendees there. Terus pinjam phone and call my mum.

Nasib after that I saw my husband wandering around the ward looking for me. Time tu nampak Bern rasa macam sayang sangat. Haha. Bern explained to me why the baby is in NICU and she is safe and cute. Well, of course cute. Hihi. Unfortunately Bern is not allowed to take pics in the NICU. I'm dying to see what my baby looks like.

Somehow rasa lega first night at the hospital, tak payah take care of my newborn baby cause I still can't move from my bed. Pergi toilet pun tak. Tak berani nak bangun takut perut jatuh. The lady in front of my bed had c-sect and she had to take care of the baby tengah sakit-sakit tu. Around 5 a.m I heard she called her husband nangis-nangis suruh datang sebab tak larat. 1 hour after that her husband datang but kena halau with the guard.

The next morning ada orang datang nak tukar cadar and all, so I have no choice but to get up from my bed. Rasa nak nangis cause no one help me to get up, takde orang pimpin pun bila diri. Semua kena buat sendiri. So bangun sambil pegang perut, and serious rasa perut berat and nak jatuh haha.

Around 11.30 semua mcm dah happy cause visiting hours will start at 12. Rasa mcm penjara je tunggu visitors sampai. Bern was there early to visit Dian at NICU dulu. And this time he managed to sneakily snap some pics for me.

First time tgk gambar Dian macam ehh kelakarnya! Macam tak percaya. Terus suruh Bern amik wheelchair bawak pegi NICU.

Dian's first picture. Kelakar tak? Siap ada susu tumpah kat tepi pipi tu tak ber lap. :( Ramai sangat baby in NICU tak kuasa nurse nak layan susu tumpah-tumpah.

First time I laid my eyes on my daughter. Dah 2 hari lahir baru dapat jumpa.

First picture with Dian! Abaikan muka basi. 2 hari dah tak mandi.

2nd night at the hospital, I have to take care of Dian alone. Takut and cuak because tak tau what to expect and how to handle a newborn baby. Tapi naluri keibuan yang membuak-buak memang nak dukung Dian all the time je. That night dapat duduk bilik share 4 orang. Before this duduk ward biasa, sempit sesempit-sempitnya. Asal ada space, situlah diorang sumbat new patient. Bilik 4 orang ada aircond, malam tu sejuk sangat kesian Dian. Nasib ada mcm 'sister' nurse datang buat rounds and tanya if everything okay, and ajar macam mana nak breastfeed (sebelum ni bedal je).

The next morning macam yay boleh balik! Happy sangat until the doctor said, I boleh discharge, but the baby will need to be admitted to paed ward sebab ada jaundice. Menangis lagi. Penat, letih, rambut still ada sisa-sisa muntah time nak deliver semalam, I need to take a shower so badly. 

Kemas-kemas, discharge, and admitted balik dekat ward hujung sana. This time, no visitors are allowed except for the parents. Meaning, my mum my dad semua tak boleh datang. 3rd night, menangis je. Tambah-tambah lagi ada this lady cakap phone kuat gila malam-malam. Anak aku nak tidur pun tak senang. 

Dian had to sleep under the blue light. 

Sedih sangat time ni sebab dia tak suka duduk bawah tu and there's nothing I can do about it. Malam-malam tak boleh tidur sebab Dian menangis, and dukung Dian bawak pegi keluar and cakap kat nurse Dian menangis je cause dia tak suka duduk dalam benda tu. I was hoping the nurse could help me or teach me ways to make Dian feel comfortable but instead she said, "tak cukup susu lah tu".

TAK CKUP SUSU LAH TU. Benda paling tak suka and menyampah dengar. I think most of the new mums will agree with me on this. The last thing she need to hear is people telling her that she don't produce enough milk for hew newborn baby. I think I gave Dian enough milk sebab my breast is engorged with milk that time. Takkan tak cukup kot.

The next day doctor datang buat rounds, and I was hoping to hear she said jaundice Dian dah kurang, and boleh balik. She discussed something with the interns, and then move on to the next patient. I was like emm hellooo doctor tak nak explain apa-apa ke? I had to panggil one of the interns and asked tak boleh balik lagi ke today? And she said "Oh tak boleh balik lagi, jaundice anak awak tinggi lagi ni".

Tutup langsir, nangis teresak-esak sambil tulis whatsapp kat Bern, "I don't care I nak balik today. Transfer me to a private hospital yang boleh both parents jaga malam-malam. Do something!"

Fuh emo gila time tu. Menangis je all the time. Sampai my mum call I reject, tak nak angkat sebab nanti confirm nangis lagi.

Pukul 12 tepat Bern sampai seperti biasa, and terus jumpa doctor and said nak transfer both of us to private hospital. Pukul 3 discharge, balik rumah mandi-mandi (after 4 days baru boleh mandi, bayangkan) and after maghrib pergi Damai Service Hospital at Melawati. Supposedly you can just leave your baby with them overnight tapi newborn baby kot! Sedih je nak tinggalkan plus I'm still breastfeeding Dian. 

Had to stay at Damai for 2 nights and finally, day 6 baru Dian dapat balik rumah and I can pantang for realz.

Overall, I had a bad experience at Hospital Ampang, but I shouldn't be complaining considering that the bill we have to pay was only RM 144.

And for 2 nights in Damai we had to pay RM 1000. But service wise memang tip top. Dian nangis je terus ada Nanny McPhee ketuk pintu bawak dia keluar and minum (give up jugak terpaksa bagi Dian formula since everyone keep telling me susu tak cukup) I love that Nanny McPhee I even asked Bern if we can take her home tihii.

This is Dian today at 7 months plus.

Ok lah kasi gambar comel sikit.

Dian Khadija binti Mohd Hazwan. 

Mami & Daddy's sweet sour girl. <3 p="">

Dian's Labor Story - Part 3

Before masuk OT, salam Bern and mintak maaf macam hari raya, so scared of what could happen. Masuk dalam OT wah meriahnya siap ada lagu Maroon 5 kat background. I couldn't stay still because ya know, contraction, and kena marah lagi suruh duduk diam sebab susah nak cucuk bius, or was it epidural? Ntah.

I can still feel the contraction, and bila diorang tutup separuh badan pakai penghadang tu dah start cuak banyak. This is it. Any moment now. Doctor testing cucuk-cucuk and I can still feel my tummy being poked. "Eh boleh rasa lah!" She poked again. "Boleh rasa! Boleh rasa!" (kecoh gila minah ni, macam dia sorang je nak beranak)

The anaesthetic doctors looked at each other and say "Eh, aku buat betul kan tadi? Kau tengok aku buat betul kan tadi?" -_____-

They put a mask on me and I was gone. I can still hear the doctors talking to each other while they did the procedure on me. And that Maroon 5 song, at least I think that was Maroon 5, although I did not know the name of the song but I am pretty sure that was Adam Levine's voice. And I still think that instead of Maroon 5, they should have played ayat-ayat Quran.

I am pretty sure I was high, so I couldn't tell whether the following conversation really happened. The doctor asked me they can only save one person, either the baby or me. I answered "Baby". And then cepat-cepat jawab balik "Eh nak hidup jugak. Nanti kesian Bern!" Lolzzzz.

"Puan, puan, dengar tak suara baby? Dengar tak baby nangis?" I just nodded and sambung pengsan. After few minutes (again I couldn't tell) I can feel the tugging feeling on my tummy. Drama lagi lah "Eh rasa boleh rasaaaa!" Ni semua akibat tengok cerita Awake, where Hayden Christensen finds himself awake and aware but paralyzed during heart surgery. "Kejap puan kejap, kita tengah jahit awak." After that, I remembered I was shaking like hellz, sejuk gila please and transferred to recovering room where they put a heater under my blanket. Ahhhh so nice.

And then my baby was put in NICU and I didn't know about that until they transferred me to the ward. And that one deserves another post.

Til then!

Dian's Labor Story - Part 2

After what felt like gazillion hours later (padahal just 30 mins or so) finally they let Bern in. Then the doctors with the entourage (too many people in the labor room, semua ada lelaki perempuan melayu cina india) came in to check on me. Dulu tak nak amik fpp (full paying patient) services at Hospital Selayang because all the doctors there are male. Sekali apa lah nasib, pelbagai bangsa dan gender ada dalam bilik tu looking at my huu haa.

Doctor cakap nak pecahkan my ketuban, and I will feel a gush of warm water flowing down under. Rasa macam kencing tapi tak boleh control LOL. After air ketuban pecah the contraction keep on getting stronger and stronger. And the waiting game begin, since I am not fully dilated yet. Bern is on my side, I can tell he doesn't know what to do or what to say but I remembered he said selawat sayang, zikir sayang. Mula-mula memang I have it all in my head, "Lailahaillaanta subhanakainni kuntuminazzalimin". Tapi lepas tu semua ke laut. I just remembered that I screamed, a lot. Tihii.

Lepas tu kena marah lagi dengan nurse, "Jangan jerit-jerit lah, sakit memang sakit. Awak zikir je." If only I can channel all the pain and tumbuk muka nurse tu. Mana boleh control la, sakit kot! They gave me the Ethanol gas, and only supposed to sedut bila ada contraction, but I sedut every single time sampai muntah, because every time pun sakit. And the annoying nurse ask me, "Awak ada minum air selasih tak? Cakap je takpe kita tak marah." Bern answered no, and she said my contraction graph tinggi sangat. From what I know is air selasih is supposed to help you during the labor, not the other way round kan?

The doctor came in every half an hour to check my dilation. First doctor came in and performed VE and said I'm only 6 cm dilated. Damn it, 4 more cm! Time tu dah nak separuh mati. Everytime doctor datang, Bern yang tanya doctor if I can have epidural lol. And the doctor said tak boleh, kena tunggu baby's heart rate normal baru boleh. Oh, my baby's heart rate tak normal ke before this? No one told me that.

2nd doctor came in (again with the entourage) and did VE once again, and said dah 7 cm. Yay! and then another doctor came in, VE again. Time ni dah pasrah, berapa kali nak check VE. Everytime they did VE I will scream, cause it hurts so bad and so uncomfortable with all her entourage behind her still looking at my huu haa. "Siapa cakap 7 cm? Baru 6 cm la", while her hand is still inside my vajayjay. 

They had a lil discussion and told me that the baby's heart rate is not good. Everytime I'm having contraction, the baby's heart rate will drop. They suggest to do emergency C-sect, and it's up to me to decide. Doctor cakap takut nak tunggu sampai I am fully dilated, and baby lemas. At that time I remembered I answered so quickly 'OK' cause I couldn't bare the pain any longer. Nak sign form pun tak boleh sebab menggigil tahan sakit.

To be continued,, Part 3 

Dian's Labor Story - Part 1

I started to feel a mild contraction around 4 a.m, at least I think it was a contraction cause people said contraction feels like period cramps. Bern was asleep and snoring (nothing new) and I didn't wanna wake him up, plus I can still bare the pain.

Around 6 a.m I woke my husband up, and told him I think I'm having a contraction. I timed my contraction and it was 6-7 minutes apart. Bern tanya "Nak pergi hospital ke? Jap I subuh jap pastu kita pergi hospital." While Bern performed his Subuh, I texted my mom sambil guling-guling atas katil and said we're going to hospital.

On the way to the hospital, I keep track of my contraction and at that time dah 4-5 minutes apart. Time tu fikir betul ke nak beranak dah ni, cause my water didn't break and I didn't have the mucus plug ke bleeding ke whatsoever tu.



Sampai Hospital Ampang, at the registration counter I fikir, nak bagitahu apa kat nurse ni? I think Bern cakap kat nurse tu, while pointed at me "Dia dah sakit nak beranak kot" Lol. The nurse then asked me to hand the pink book and baring. There was several beds but at that time I sorang je yang nak beranak kot. Yang lain semua tunggu pagi sikit.

The nurse strapped the CTG to check on the contraction, and at that time memang sakit I just baring mengiring je, and then kena marah tak bole baring mengiring, kena baring straight je. Belum apa-apa lagi dah kena marah. Ok fine. Then a doctor came in and said she wants to do VE (vaginal examination nak tengok bukaan)

I heard and read about VE before and most of it semua cakap sakit. But at that time pasrah je, and to my surprise it wasn't that bad. I thought to myself, "I can handle this". Then the doctor said "Ok awak dah 4 cm dah boleh masuk labor room. Nanti nurse bagi baju awak tukar dalam toilet tu then tunggu luar."

Wait, what now? Dah boleh masuk labor room? At that time I started panicking, keluar bilik and told Bern that the doctor said dah boleh masuk labor room. The nurses asked me to have some breakfast because you can't eat or drink anything dah when you're in the labor room. And then Bern had to do some registration for me, and the nurse wheeled me into the labor room. Rasa kelakar cause why do I need to sit on the wheel chair cause I can still walk. I refused at first but the nurse insist. Ok fine.

Dah la at first the nurse wheeled me in the wrong labour room, and in that room ada orang tengah nak beranak. I can hear the lady screaming okay! Not good! Not good at all! But at that time fikir kenapa dia jerit, takde lah sakit sangat contraction ni (LOL paling lawak dalam dunia dan alam semesta)

When I got in the correct labor room, the nurse put the IV on me, and she played some surah on the computer. At that time the contraction is getting stronger and stronger, I think its because of the IV. Time tu dah start goyang-goyang kaki and tak boleh duduk diam. I asked the nurse where's my husband and she said selagi the labor process tak start, my husband cannot come in.

I asked if I can have some water, and the nurse said "Tadi tak breakfast ke? Kan dah cakap bila masuk labor room dah tak boleh makan ke minum." Ok fine. Tak boleh duduk diam dah because the pain, I tell you, is indescribable. And then kena marah lagi dengan the nurse "Eh jangan goyang-goyang macam ni, duduk diam je. Nak beranak memang sakit, kalau tak sakit bukan beranak la namanya."

Aku rasa nak tumbuk nurse tu.

Ah well Dian is awake. Duty calls. Laters!

How I found out I was pregnant

We didn't plan to get pregnant or anything, we just go with the flow. Kalau ada rezeki tu, adalah. Then there was this period when I couldn't bare the smell of cigarette smoke, and selalu cakap Bern busuk sebab bau asap rokok.

And then I was having severe cramp similar to menstrual cramp, and tengok calendar memang my period is about to due. Tapi calendar pun tak boleh pakai since I have irregular period. But anyway, since I confident sangat I'm pregnant, we went to buy the pregnancy test.

I read all the dos and donts before doing the test, and it says that the most accurate time to test is early in the morning since that is when the amount of hCG in your urine is high. But of course lah tak menyabo kan, I did it right after we got back which is at night.

After all the peeing is done, I waited patiently and hoping to see the double line appear. Nope. No double line. I can see only 1 line. Keluar toilet terus hug Bern and cried my eyes out. Bern cakap "Takpe, bukan rezeki kita lagi."

Malam tu nak tidur pun nangis, sedih. Rasa macam kehilangan, rasa macam you lost someone you never had. How can this be? Cause I sure do feel and know with all my heart that I'm pregnant. Something must be wrong.

The next day I woke up with swollen eyes, sent my husband off to work, still feeling heartbroken. Rasa macam baru lepas break dengan boyfriend. I went inside the toilet, reminiscing the test I did yesterday. Sambil sambil shower tu sambil mengintai tong sampah. Lepas habis shower, I took out the test from the dustbin, and there I saw it... double line.

Turns out that I didn't read the manual carefully. You're suppose to wait 5 - 10 mins to get the result, and I only waited 5 mins. Again, tak menyabau. Took a picture of it, sent it to my husband, to my bestfriend, Jay, and swear that I saw the double line. Bern cakap mcm samar-samar, Jay pun cakap it looks like a double line, but you can never be too sure. So after Bern got back from work, we went to get another pregnancy test.

We bought the Clearblue, the digital one. So if you're pregnant or if you're not, it will clearly state 'Pregnant' or 'Not Pregnant'. A little bit expensive, but no more false hope. And this time I waited the next morning to do the test.

Malam tu tak senang nak tidur, tak sabar nak tunggu pagi. I woke up at 7 a.m, peed on the stick and put it on the floor. Dug dap dug dap, and then.. 'Pregnant, 3 - 4 weeks'. I told ya!! I told ya!!

Keluar toilet, Bern is still sleeping. I woke him up and showed him the test. Buka mata sebelah je, "Pregnant? Yayy, congrats sayang. Alhamdulillah".

And then he went back to sleep. -___-

Randomness updated 5 years later!

Below post was originally posted on 2010, and was updated again on 12 July 2013, and I'm gonna update again today which is 2 years later!

# 1. I woke up this morning thinking, is there such person who woke up every morning and jump out of bed saying "I can't wait to go to work! I love my job!". Ada tak? Azmil cakap "Ada, Oprah Winfrey. " -_- Tah tah Oprah pun malas nak bangun pagi for work. Maybe every night when she went to bed dia pun mcm "Arghh, esok kena kerja ke?!" Hmm.. I doubt so!--> I am at the same company for the last 2 years. And I hated it! Been actively searching for a new job, but it's tough!!

Year 2015 --> I am currently a full time housewife and a mom. No income but it pays off to see my baby grow everyday!

#2. Yesterday I went to see Bern's lil brother, Musin, who participated in a battle of the band at Wangsa Walk. Lepastu terus plan, if I have a daughter I want her to learn how to play a drum. And if I have a son, he must learn how to play guitar. Piano tu memang basic, kena tau. Tak salah kalau berangan.--> Musin is now 17 years old and sitting for his SPM this year.

Year 2015 --> Musin is now 19 years old and currently studying at DTS otw to become a pilot.

#3. I secretly already have some songs that I have in mind, for my wedding. :p Again, tak salah kalau prepare awal-awal.--> I wish I kept the list. Now I have to brainstorm again!

Year 2015 --> I'm glad I got all the songs I wanted to play on my wedding and had people requesting for the playlist :)

#4. Work has been okay, except there's nothing much to do. Everyday is always the same. Arrived office at 8, breakfast, and fb-ing all the long.--> See #1

Year 2015 --> Still see # 1

#5. I got myself a blackberry. :)--> I just got myself a Samsung S4. Been using iPhone4 after the BB

Year 2015 --> Still using Samsung S4 but been eyeing on iPhone 6 tapi angan angan taik ayam je lah kan.

#6. I wanna get married at 26. Ok, shut up.--> I am getting married (finally) at 27. 4 more months to the same man I love for the past 7 years!

Year 2015 --> Been married to Mr. Bern Hazwan for 1 year plus and have a 7 months old daughter named Dian Khadija. <3 br="">

#7. I can't wait for internship to end.--> I can't wait to get a new job

Year 2015 --> I hope Dian sleep a little longer so that I can finish this post.

#8. Loverboy will be leaving me again, and I don't like it. But I don't wanna think abt it too much.--> Loverboy is here to stay, insyaAllah til forever!

Year 2015 --> Alhamdulillah Loverboy ie my husband is still here, eventho he has seen my muka tak mandi face, muka bangun with air liur and tak gosok gigi which I think is my everyday face.

#9. I'm addicted to Mall World in FB, so I'm gonna continue playing that. Ok bye.--> I am ashamed of this statement. Bahahaaha

Year 2015 --> currently playing Covet and Simcity on my phone! Some things will never change heh heh heh

Next up : Dian's labor story!

x

Randomness Vol. 1 - 3 years later..

Update as at 12 July, 2013. 3 years later!

# 1. I woke up this morning thinking, is there such person who woke up every morning and jump out of bed saying "I can't wait to go to work! I love my job!". Ada tak? Azmil cakap "Ada, Oprah Winfrey. " -_- Tah tah Oprah pun malas nak bangun pagi for work. Maybe every night when she went to bed dia pun mcm "Arghh, esok kena kerja ke?!" Hmm.. I doubt so!

--> I am at the same company for the last 2 years. And I hated it! Been actively searching for a new job, but it's tough!!

#2. Yesterday I went to see Bern's lil brother, Musin, who participated in a battle of the band at Wangsa Walk. Lepastu terus plan, if I have a daughter I want her to learn how to play a drum. And if I have a son, he must learn how to play guitar. Piano tu memang basic, kena tau. Tak salah kalau berangan.
--> Musin is now 17 years old and sitting for his SPM this year.

#3. I secretly already have some songs that I have in mind, for my wedding. :p Again, tak salah kalau prepare awal-awal.
--> I wish I kept the list. Now I have to brainstorm again!

#4. Work has been okay, except there's nothing much to do. Everyday is always the same. Arrived office at 8, breakfast, and fb-ing all the long.
--> See #1

#5. I got myself a blackberry. :)
--> I just got myself a Samsung S4. Been using iPhone4 after the BB

#6. I wanna get married at 26. Ok, shut up.
--> I am getting married (finally) at 27. 4 more months to the same man I love for the past 7 years!

#7. I can't wait for internship to end.
--> I can't wait to get a new job

#8. Loverboy will be leaving me again, and I don't like it. But I don't wanna think abt it too much.
--> Loverboy is here to stay, insyaAllah til forever!

#9. I'm addicted to Mall World in FB, so I'm gonna continue playing that. Ok bye.
--> I am ashamed of this statement. Bahahaaha